WTF

Human beings are among the most volatile, variable, and fickle things (for lack of a better word) on this planet. Earlier this morning, I posted a blog in which I detailed some passions and dreams I have. I wrote with a dreamy, almost ethereal sense of hope for the future.

I should back up...

I own a small business that is taking its dear sweet time to get to the point where I can actually pay bills. My finances are far from secure right now. When I sit down to sort out the budget, I can feel the weight on my back getting into a comfortable (for it anyway) position - settling in for a nice long visit.

Money is one of my least favorite necessities in this life. I loathe the fact that our very culture would come to a grinding halt without it. I despise the fact that I can't exist in this country without a certain amount of the damnable green stuff. I hate that people - myself included to a point, are consumed with the gathering and hording of little slips of paper with pictures of dead men on them and the myriad of ways in which they can exchange these "presidential flashcards" for items to make their over-priced loft apartment a bit more like the one in the IKEA catalog.

I somehow don't think my aversion to money would be quite so acute if I had more of it.

All of that to say: I don't have much money right now. If fact, I'm starting to see more and more red in the balance book with each passing week.

My full-time job right now is to get my business going. Finding work isn't a paying gig. Business is picking up, but slowly. (I'm rambling. Here comes the point.) I pick up side work to attempt to keep the bill collectors at bay. One side gig I do is running sound systems for various events with a friend of mine. I thought I had a three-day job coming up this week, but recently found out it wasn't going to happen. This right on the heels of having another hope crushed.

Two days ago, I decided that I was going to join the local police department. I was really starting to get excited about the various opportunities it would offer. I found out today that I am not eligible due to the disqualifying fact that I have gotten a rather . . . serious speeding ticket within the last 5 years.

What now? I'll make $25 tomorrow unless I can find some more immediate money. $20 on Friday. Woo hoo! $45 effing dollars for a week's work!

I'm so ungrateful for the work I do have. I know the truth I need to hear. It's poking me in the back of my mind, but I keep telling it to go screw itself; I'd rather sit in my own self-pity.

Maybe I should self-publish. There's something else that doesn't pay immediately.


I'm really sorry this post is so freaking depressing, but it's my blog, so I'll write whatever is in my head. :)